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I am grateful for rain

I am grateful to be

I am grateful to feel

Is my loneliness my fault?� I am so tired of being single. I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. Granted...it hasn't even been a year. But I still think�about Connor all the time. I'm supposed to be this mature, strong, independent college student. And I guess I am...in a lot of ways...but I have a long way to go.

today on my way home from dinner with my family.. as i sat in the back seat of my car... i was thinking about all my problems.. i could almost hear the background music they put in movies when the girl fights with the guy and they both look out the window at the rain.... so i started thinking... and none of that is true... so many lives end everyday without a happy ending... the stories in popular romantic songs are not true...life is just not like that... ever since i was little movies like cindirella and other disney productions have had me thinking that no matter what happens love always finds a way... and that it is so full of great surprises.. well at least the last part is true. except that the surprises are not always good ones... actually they are almost always terrible... and prince charming is dead... and chivalry died with him.. men in our generation expect to get a maid when they start a relationship.. at the beginning they can�t get enough of you... the little by little they start to show the real side of them... and let me tell you its not pretty.. my boyfriend and i (yes we�re still together) are gonna be 5 years old as acouple.. in may... and now.. i know men are jerks.... and most of the reason that life is not�a fairy tale is because of them.. all girls expect to find a prince waiting for them.. and all the guy needs to do is make that simple wish come true.. is it too much to ask for a guy to open the door for us... to hug us and give us their jacket when we�re cold... to kiss our pains gently away.. i think not... and its hard enough trying to keep the flame alive while the guy is being a total jerk sitting infront of the tv. watching football� withough them treating us so bad.... i for one. plan not to cry for a guy ever againn.. imagine.. if he treats me bad NOW... imagine if we got MARRIED!!!�

�

Went out�n came back wit her wit the same transport...(her driver)

quite a new experience for me....

Seems lik we had improve a lot.....

in a lot of ways.....

hope this would last 4ever...

i luv u^^

(19/4/2008)

happy day.....

all the nest in our competition...

It's a weekend....im sitting by the phone hoping it will ring

I would really like to speak to Eddy...bt he can't� his out partying�

I home all alone mum has gone to work and my sisters have gone partying(i didnt feel like joining them...it's too bloody cold to venture out in skimpy clubwear)...im actually a bit scared in this big house all alone.

I dont drink.....so i'm a bit out of place when i'm surrounded by drunk fucks on saturday nights. They look so stupid all drunk and disoderly.... since when was having a goodtime meant getting smashed!!!!! WIERD WORLD

Anyway thats it for tonite...im gonna hit the shets now.....i hope Eddy calls

The friends thing really pisses me off...he always calls when he is really tired. like at around 11-12 O'clock. We hardly bloody talk

I understand that friends shouldn't be sleeping together but its like a bonus....i feel like a Doormat i'm no longer in Control. Its like all the arrangments are specifically made to tailor him.

He never picks up the phone when i call (he never has by the way...since day 1 whenever i call he hangs up and calls me back) These days i never get any call backs

He is a nice guy though...he has never insulted me, his one of those few classy guys.He is funny,intelligent,handsome and a good lover lets just say he is the whole package....if i dont get my act together another woman may claim what was once mine�

After� a month of� grief he came back to me...he sent me a message asking how i was going.....i replied and he called me.

My voice like ive been told is a "spell"� We talked and caught up about what happend. It was a nice feeling being with him again.He pleaded with me about us meeting he really wants a real relationship with me.

We came to an agreement...i would meet him on New years eve 2009. we� also agreed to be friends but we or should i say I keep crossing the line. I couldn't be just�friends with him so we decided to be "distant lovers"

Distant lovers- we could only talk once in a while not everyday (he is extra busy has work and Uni) , kissing and holding and phone sex is allowed, its sort of like friends with benefit

I din't like the new arrangment i wanted it to be like the old times,back in the day we used to talk at least 3 times a day and Every single night. I wanted that back but he couldnt give that to me because the last time he thought he did look where he ended up�...lets just say he thinks this sort of arrangment willl ensure that he doesn't get as hurt as he was last time.

Problems arose...i couldn't stop whining about the arrangment so for now we have decided to be friends(i rather keep in in mylife than loose him for good) although we sleep together on weekdays because he goes out on weekends.

I cant help but think its all my FAULT...i have such a great man but for some reason i just think im not good enough for him

I'm such a sad pathetic b!tch..i called him, i actually called him and i swore not to contact him

Eddy has two phones, i rang him twice on his virgin phone and once on his optus phone. I�rarely call him on his optus phone,he bought the virgin phone exlusively for us.

I'm so lonely without him but i'll learn to live without him� :)�I know i'm strong i can do this.� I'll not fool myself and say i don't need him bt in the long run i think i'm better of without him

I swear today on the 20th of April 2008 i will never Pick up the phone and dial Eddy's* number ever again. (Unless he reforms and treats me and values me as the number one priority in his life.....its ALL or nothing!!!!)